He's Just Not Me
by stormyskies73
Summary: Stream of consciousness. Angst. Implied Hawpper. Implied B-eye (I can't believe I just wrote that about one of my own fics). Trapper POV.


**Ok, so this was originally a songfic for He's Just Not Me by Artist vs Poet (go listen to it), but I got a PM from a member of an ominously-named group saying I'd violated policy (did you know there was a ruling against songfics? I didn't.) and had to fix it or my account would be deleted, although admittedly s/he was very polite about it and also said it was good sans lyrics, so it's not all bad. I deleted this, deleted the lyrics and reuploaded it. So here it is! Again! And hopefully this time it's not illegal! (Woah, this is the longest author's note ever!)**

**Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine. Like, at all.**

**Disclaimer 2: If this sounds a little disjointed, I'm sorry. I started it about a month ago and then I lost the file and then I recovered the file last week and finished it whilst I was supposed to be sleeping and then I deleted it and did some additional editing, so yeah.**

* * *

I knew from the start they'd replace me when I was sent home, but I never thought you would. You were my best friend, partner in crime, first _real_ love - and now all that's gone. You and I were soulmates, and still are (that's not something you can change). But he's taken my place, hasn't he?

Maybe I made a mistake, though. Maybe you're just friends. Maybe not even that. Maybe you hate the guy for not being me. Maybe you think about me every day and wish I was there by your side. I know I do.

But I haven't, have I? You haven't so much as written in the last year. I know that's partly my fault, but you can't just write me out of your life like this! You can't forget about me! Because one day you'll look back on this and realize that it was always me you wanted, _needed. _It was always me you loved.

When he's around, you have to act like he's what you want, like I meant nothing, but how do you feel when he's not? Does a part of you remember what we had and miss it? Do you feel like getting involved with him was a mistake? Do you regret it? Is the pretending killing you, slowly and painfully?

Or do you really care about him? I hope not. It can't end well if you do. He's married, and I know you're thinking I was too, but he's really in love with her. When this war ends, he'll go straight back to her and never even miss you for a second. Sure, he'll miss you as a _friend_, but he'll never yearn for more. Not like I did.

I left her, y'know. I couldn't stay, not when I still wanted you. That's how much I care. Would he do that? I doubt it. Because you and I were meant to be, and he's never, ever going to fill the gap I left. Never. No matter how much either one of you tries.

I can't blame you really. You need comfort in the middle of Hell, he gives you that. But it's not real. And when the abyss tries to claim you he'll let you slip away. I never did. You're fragile, breakable, even if you don't show it, and I told you, promised you, I'd never let go. Has he made you the same pledge? I know he won't keep it.

So tonight he'll love you and leave you, and you'll sit there drinking glass after glass of homemade gin from the still I helped make whilst he writes home, making those same vows he makes you to another, but this time meaning them. How can you take it?

Are your thoughts drifting back to me? Are you wondering if I'm thinking of you too? I am. Sometimes I seriously consider reenlisting and rejoining you out there in the ROK. But then I remember he'll be there, and I don't know if you'd take me back. Besides, I don't trust myself not to murder him. That's how much I hate him now.

I'd rather have you here, safe, warm, and far, far away from That Guy. If I asked, would you want that? Would you leave him for me before he leaves you for her? He's not right for you, and you know it.

But I guess the heart wants what it wants, and if yours wants him, then so be it. Just prepare yourself for the damage he'll do, and know that I'll be there to pick up the pieces and hold you whilst you cry yourself to sleep.

Did he do that when I left? Did he tell you he'd stay by your side even though I didn't? Or did he just wait a while before making his move and making you forget all about me? Tell me it didn't work...

I can't take this pain for one more day. I can't take hearing about you and _BJ_ (Whose name is BJ anyway?_ Sleazy._) and how the two of you have _really bonded _since I left.

You know what? Screw it. I have to make amends. I have to get you back. I don't care what I have to do. I'm ready. You're my everything, and I'll do anything to prove it to you. Anything.

You're too good for him. Too special. Honestly, you're too good for _me_, but I didn't care. I loved you too much to let you go, and I still love you too much to let you waste any more of your life with _that._

And one day you'll wake up, beside him or alone, and wish I was there. And maybe one day you'll lose it and I won't be there to help. But I'll come back for you, I swear. You'll be OK. _We'll_ be OK.

And I don't care if it's wrong for us to feel this way about each other. Who came up with that anyway? Whoever it was was obviously never really in love. I don't care what _he_ says, either. What does he matter? All that counts is that I love you and I know, deep down, that you love me too.

So whaddaya say? Are you gonna give us another shot? Will you let me back in? It can't be too late, it can't! Our bond is supposed to be unbreakable. Hawkeye and Trapper, never to be separated. Right?


End file.
